This was written on November 2, 2005 after a five day silent retreat.



I think I am losing my mind.

No…seriously.

I didn’t realize until now;
So many voices in my head.

It’s like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs in here.

There is Grumpy. There is whiny;
Sleepy, Happy, Sad, Greedy and definitely, there is Dopey.

And they are all jumping around; making noise;
Wanting my attention.

What am I to do?

It is said…when you see the monastic, kill the monastic.
When you see the Buddha, kill the Buddha.

Ah, such violent metaphors.

When you see the metaphor, kill the metaphor.

There is simply no other way.

I know this. I feel this.

But still, the dwarfs and their silly antics carry on.

I feel like I am still many galaxies away from true realization.

Ladybug. Ladybug. Flying through the air.
Most cute and loveable of all insects.
Where are you all going?

You realize a few short hours later where they are going…
Their dead corpses are littered all over the ground; crunching beneath your feet.

It is said that we are like fish with little water or creatures with their heads aflame; But this is not true.

We are fish with little water and our heads are aflame.

We are ladybugs flying through the cold autumn air and yet,
we continue to pretend otherwise.

What am I holding on to? Who am I bullshitting?

No one. Nothing. Absolutely nothing;

Like the dwarfs and the ladybugs and the thoughts and the self and the mind.

Gone. Gone. Totally gone. Absolutely motherfucking gone.

There is simply no other way.


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